Reality

I sit in bed. My legs aren't working right now. I'm exhausted but I'm getting use to this pattern. It has been well over a month. Orion grumbles at the foot of the bed. I move the walker over to the fridge to get him a bone, silently thanking my mom that when she was in town she bought them in bulk. We move back to the bedroom, I trip and go down, safely, but have a hiccup in my tear ducts. "I'm trying," I remind myself. I collect myself up and go back to lying on the bed. I wonder what to do with myself for the rest of the day. I'm so tired. I can't move much. Orion's still grumbling. "Orion, I need you to be good. AJ and Cherry took you to the park. I'm not well buddy." He looks at me and moves closer. "Hun. This is not our best time but I don't want you to have to be taken away from me okay?" "Orion, look at me." He rolls over and kisses my chin. "I just need your patience." "I didn't sign up for this either and I had higher hopes for you and I but we have to stay positive okay buddy? And you can't drive me nuts because it is going to take a lot for me to stay positive right now." I think about a time my friend's brother was dying. She watched back to back episodes of 24 to pass the time. I sat on the bed just to be around her so she had company. We hardly talked. I couldn't tell you a thing about that tv show because I didn't pay attention. I could care less about 24 but I figured it sucked to wait for your brother to die by yourself so I just was there. As I sit in my bed I kind of wish I had someone sitting next to me. I don't know what we'd do but just sit next to me. Pass some time. I'm half tempted to write that friend but that friendship ended in a real not good way so I'll just stay sitting here. Orion's moved on to emptying the kitchen sink. I can hear him remove the spatula from the sink. "ORION!" But truthfully, I don't have it in me to get up and get him. I think about my teacher friends and if I should call and say, "Hey, could you just pick me up and let me be around? Do whatever you'd be doing but just let me be around?" But they're new friends and that might be presumptuous. I think the adjective I'm looking for is that I'm feeling lonely and my dog happens to not be a tired snuggly one but a two and half year old smiling lab who has brought an Ensure bottle to the bed just to let me know it was NOT the spatula he was after afterall.

Dog Swap

Recently I was gone for a week stay in a hospital (long story not worth repeating, also for once, not involving the dog). While gone my friends AJ and Cherry took care of my dogs, taking them for walks, letting them out etc. AJ bought a new harness for Orion, convinced it would work.
Me: "I don't know AJ, I have tried different ones in the past and he has near to killed me."
AJ: "This one will work."
And so I pass off the money for it trusting AJ the dog whisperer and then take up my hospital residency. (AJ hung out with me for a day and told me she was working on Orion.)
When I return home, I am not allowed to walk the dogs at first due to me walking myself with the support of a walker, but I see Orion has a new shiny harness. His choke chain and prong collar have been removed.
"Mom, have you walked him on that?" I asked astonished. (My mom flew in from the Republic of Georgia to be sure I was ok)
"Oh sure. He is great on it."
Skeptical I watch him loop in and out of the house. I work on walking on my own and before long I'm ready to try to go for a walk with the dogs.
"Can I take Chloe?" I ask, knowing she won't pull and overall she will be easier.
"Nope, you might as well take Orion while I'm here with you," Mom says.
Sigh.
Ok.
I take Orion's leash and we start walking.
Orion walks beside me.
I look at Mom.
I keep walking.
He is still beside me.
We return to the house and he flops down for a nap.
"Mom, I don't know but between you and AJ, I don't know what happened to my yellow dog..."

Is it possible?

I turn the key in the door and slowly open it wondering what the inside will look like post Orion...
Is this possible? It looks exactly as I left.
I push the door wider.
I'm greeted by Chloe. Slowly Orion loops around the corner.
"Hey yellow dog are you feeling okay?" I ask. Usually I get wiggles, licks and an outburst of energy. I wonder briefly if that plastic bag he ate in full (stolen from the pocket of a woman at the dog park) is finally working its way out in a way less appealing to his gut...
We go for our walk and I find the top of the bag has made it through--yeah for ziplock bags...
Inside he settles into the evening.
Is this my dog?
I kiss his pink nose and toss the ball a bit and he peacefully settles into Grandpa's old chair.
Okay then.
I guess after a day with my aging grandparents he wanted to show me how it might be with him too.
I will take it for today and I turn back tot helmeted writing on my desk.

I miss my dogs

I miss my dogs. Long week. Getting better. Will see them soon.

Ears

I have noticed when I go to give Chloe her pill Orion disappears.
Me: "Orion, do you want your ears cleaned?"
Orion's response:

Morning Make up

I sit and watch as Orion weaves in and out of my legs. We had a rough evening yesterday. I may have sat him down and had a talk. "Orion, I understand you're upset and bored. Orion. Look at me. I'm doing the best I can. And I still love you even though you destroyed the kitchen AND ate my shortbread..." One could say it was a fight. He spent some time in his crate and I was still slightly disgruntled with him even in the morning. I'm Irish. What can I say?
Regardless, there I sat, brushing my teeth on the edge of the tub and thinking how much I enjoy that even though we were fighting, he still wants to hang out with me. Still travels room to room with me. Still watches patiently while I do my hair. Sticks his nose in the shower to check on me.
I look at his nose. The pink nose. The winter nose.
"Orion, your pink nose is just like my freckles. They come and go with the seasons."
He looks up at me.
I study the tiny intricate furs that make up his snout, pausing in my teeth scrubbing. I could study his face for hours.
"Today I wish I could actually stay home with you and just look at your face," I say, standing up. But instead I toss the cup of peanut butter in the crate with him and remind him to be ready for play time in the evening.
"Be a good boy Orion," I say. "Stay out of trouble. I love you," I say the familiar phrase tugging the door behind me. "You too, Chloe."

Terrible twos

I drop my stuff to the floor. The wind flops out of my sails.
"Seriously?"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
I don't even pat them. There are shattered dishes on the floor.
"ORION THOSE WERE'T EVEN MY DISHES TO BREAK!" I yell.
Cardboard is everywhere.
"WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TEAR UP EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE?!"
"IT LOOKS LIKE A SHITHOLE IN HERE!"
I reach for the broom. I fluff out a trash bag.
I sigh.
I practice breathing in and out slowly so not to have the tears fall and the five foot eight self fall to the floor as well.
"Go. Get out of here. I need space," I say to them as I clean up the mess.
Water bottle is destroyed. The water bottle from my friend, that made me smile as I practiced drinking more water in the day. "What you need is to drink more water to get rid of those headaches." I take the recycle bin and I throw the whole thing in the recycle bin downstairs.
"I don't freaking care about the stupid recycling anymore. All you ever do is just get in there and make a mess out of it. I'm done with my house being a mess!"

Then we're outside. They're hooked around my waist.
"I HATE HAVING TWO JOBS! TODAY I HATE HAVING TWO DOGS! I HATE TWOS IN GENERAL!" I shout as we cross the road to where they can pee and I'm getting tangled and they are pulling me one way then another.
"AHHHHH!"
I realize anyone who hears me is going to think I'm nuts.
Right now, I've resolved, I am nuts.