Miss you

"Orion, if I flip the couch out will you sleep with me? And quit ditching me for Dad?"
He looks at me.
"Orion I got you to be MY therapy dog."
He licks my face.
"I'm just saying I miss you."
"Your grandpa takes you on walks and lets you out and you sleep with him. Where do you and I get time together?"
He saunters off to the kitchen where Dad's making dinner.

Evening hours with Chloe

Dad has taken Orion out for a long walk. I'm still trying to encourage this both for him, Dad, and for Orion so he gets exercise. "You're not allowed an ice cream bar till after you take the dog for a walk. I'd like to see you keep off the thirteen pounds you lost in Georgia and I suspect you've put at least seven back on," I say, as I wrap up the remaining leftovers of my dinner. "Five. I put back on five." "I'm just saying there are countless trails all over here. You could really enjoy the time here." So off he goes with Orion, leaving my old friend asleep on the floor. I discover I feel a distinct feeling of loneliness looming on my perhipery and I wonder if this is due to my best friend's departure. She left early that afternoon. Or, that I was passed out for an hour after work and once again I am left wondering about my life and how much meditation, how much positive affirmation and all that I am doing right now. I lay down next to Chloe. I rub her belly, "Hello Old Friend," I say. It's not often I can pay attention to her without a yellow lab licking her face, barking at me. Jealous. She wakes up, lets me rub her chin. She's like a cat; I scratch the sides of her cheeks. Scratch her face. "You know your story too?" I ask. "You were just a little girl, maybe three months old, sitting in a little cage at the shelter. Someone else wanted you, did you know that? Someone else had first dibs. Your little ears were bent over and you just sat and looked at us." I rub her tummy some more. "But we got you, and you got you to come home with us." I'm quiet for a moment. "I'll be forever grateful you were my buddy while I was not in my best space Chloe. I want you to know that." I rub her head. "You've always had the prettiest eyes Chloe." She's happy. She's just hanging out. The two of us lying on the floor. Lately I've been relating to her as I move slowly, as my legs take a bit to warm up in the morning, as I take my naps. She's low maintenance but I love this old friend.

Resting

The best friend human is on Molly watch this weekend but part of the time since I'm like an old lady I still nap. Here is the picture capture:

Rambles of a day in New Hampshire

Today friends who have been out of the country returned and picked up myself and my two dogs to deposit us up in New Hampshire at my parents house. Oh they were willing to have us hang at their house too, to visit, but as we pulled up I explained I was going to need to sleep so just drop us off it'd be easier. The nice thing about my parent's house is there are only two steps to get to the door, there is a big front yard and they have wired up cords so that the dogs can be hooked up and more or less roam freely in the front yard. It's quiet there too. Sure you can hear the highway but that's different than the sound of people stumbling out of the bars at my apartment or the continuous flow of traffic through downtown. The stars are also amazing, perhaps because again, we are far from the city so you can look out between the trees and see each twinkling down at you. Don, one of the friend's says, "See that one there?" (referring to the stars) "Yeah." "That's Saturn," he says. "Oh, well apparently that's my planet as a Capricorn--I'm learning these things living in Western Massachusetts." He drops me off and I go inside to Chloe who's fast asleep on the couch--probably loving that this is her familiar place and then there's my boy, ready for snuggles, wiggly as ever. This afternoon we sat outside on the front lawn. Orion sat on my leg and let me comb him. Chunks of white fur littered the yard. "Well some bird is going to have a sweet hotel nest," I say. He stays snuggled close. My childhood best friend's mom stopped by for a visit and Orion slept on her feet, while also making sure to be touching me. Earlier, as I slept, he climbed on top of me and stayed, even as my body was going through it's usual round of spasms. All 65 pounds of him. "Thank you friend," I said because my body was so exhausted it was like it didn't have the energy left to even spasm and his weight seemed to slow them down. Not to mention, I'm just tired and it's comforting to have best friend dog giving you some "dog medicine" as my old friend use to say. And so now we decided to climb up to the parent's room, where surprisingly it's warmer then the downstairs. It's a bit sad because the last time I was here I was with Mom and she was making me laugh and I was getting a lot better and Orion would antagonize the hell out of her trying to sleep on her side of the bed, and I would laugh but now it's just he and I. He jumps up, fluffs up the blankets and passes out, feet falling over my legs. Chloe stays on the floor but that's always been Chloe's style, just like it was mine when I was a kid and had growing pains--Dad's bathrobe and the spot on the floor beside their bed--I swear that's why I can sleep anywhere, any surface. Anyways, it was a good day. It was nice to see old friends, really good to talk to my childhood best friend's mom about what was going on because she has a rough go of her own, and just because at one time she was like my own mom, letting me do screaming contests in her car, letting us draw all over her table. It was nice to sit on the deck and talk with the other friends about girl things and nice to come home to my dog who's just been kind of what I've needed lately. I once said I bought a lab because I wanted a dog to go hiking with, one that would swim, and one that wanted to be with me all the time. Orion fits the bill, but I especially like it when he seems to sense to tone down the two-year-old and step up with the dog perception.

Tired

"Would you mind if I go to bed? I'm pretty exhausted," I say at 7:30 PM. Orion crawls under my desk and flops down. I'll call that a yes.

And he steps up

Today the legs decided with twenty yards to go to my apartment to stop working. "This is a problem dogs," I say, balancing both leases in my hand. Granted I hadn't taken my meds yet so this was partially my fault. "You two need to help get me home ok? This time I WANT you to pull," I say. I zig zagged between their leashes and my functional hips and use their strength to get to the door and we make it. I stare at the stairs to lead up to my apartment. Hum. The dogs have crawled up, Orion paused half way to look at me. I tried the whole arm pull up the handle but two steps in my arms just didn't have it either. Too tired. Pride before fall, I think, and I sit on my butt and bump one step up at a time. Orion comes back down the stairs, he has his harness on. "Hey buddy. I'm just having trouble today. Can you help a little?" I ask. I grab his harness and he steps one step back, I bounce one step back. He steps one back, I bounce one back till we make it to the top. "Thank you Orion," I say. Though he's now off down the hall. His duty was done, kept an eye on me, made sure I was okay and was on to other things. I lean against the wall and patiently work my way to my apartment. Opening the door, I'm happy to find my walker inside right near the entrance and quickly pop it open. I start to wheel towards where I keep my medicine and my legs decide they're done. My arms decide I am just too much today too, so I safely start to collapse myself on my walker and down to the floor. Patience Molly, I think, as I really feel like crying. I look at my legs folded cockeyed. I look at the meds on the top of the microwave. I'm so close. I'm so tired. "Okay, Mol, no rush. Just wait a minute or two then try again." I look around to see if I can knock the pills down with anything. I do and they roll off the counter down to meet me on the floor. Success. Orion is still hanging out by me. I pat his head. I tell him how much I appreciate him. "Orion can I use you again to try and get up?" I ask. He moves around me, and I grab his collar to start the upwards process. "Thanks friend," I say, and he goes on under the table to do better things like shredding apart the paper recycle bin. I don't even mind.

Reality

I sit in bed. My legs aren't working right now. I'm exhausted but I'm getting use to this pattern. It has been well over a month. Orion grumbles at the foot of the bed. I move the walker over to the fridge to get him a bone, silently thanking my mom that when she was in town she bought them in bulk. We move back to the bedroom, I trip and go down, safely, but have a hiccup in my tear ducts. "I'm trying," I remind myself. I collect myself up and go back to lying on the bed. I wonder what to do with myself for the rest of the day. I'm so tired. I can't move much. Orion's still grumbling. "Orion, I need you to be good. AJ and Cherry took you to the park. I'm not well buddy." He looks at me and moves closer. "Hun. This is not our best time but I don't want you to have to be taken away from me okay?" "Orion, look at me." He rolls over and kisses my chin. "I just need your patience." "I didn't sign up for this either and I had higher hopes for you and I but we have to stay positive okay buddy? And you can't drive me nuts because it is going to take a lot for me to stay positive right now." I think about a time my friend's brother was dying. She watched back to back episodes of 24 to pass the time. I sat on the bed just to be around her so she had company. We hardly talked. I couldn't tell you a thing about that tv show because I didn't pay attention. I could care less about 24 but I figured it sucked to wait for your brother to die by yourself so I just was there. As I sit in my bed I kind of wish I had someone sitting next to me. I don't know what we'd do but just sit next to me. Pass some time. I'm half tempted to write that friend but that friendship ended in a real not good way so I'll just stay sitting here. Orion's moved on to emptying the kitchen sink. I can hear him remove the spatula from the sink. "ORION!" But truthfully, I don't have it in me to get up and get him. I think about my teacher friends and if I should call and say, "Hey, could you just pick me up and let me be around? Do whatever you'd be doing but just let me be around?" But they're new friends and that might be presumptuous. I think the adjective I'm looking for is that I'm feeling lonely and my dog happens to not be a tired snuggly one but a two and half year old smiling lab who has brought an Ensure bottle to the bed just to let me know it was NOT the spatula he was after afterall.