Reality

I sit in bed. My legs aren't working right now. I'm exhausted but I'm getting use to this pattern. It has been well over a month. Orion grumbles at the foot of the bed. I move the walker over to the fridge to get him a bone, silently thanking my mom that when she was in town she bought them in bulk. We move back to the bedroom, I trip and go down, safely, but have a hiccup in my tear ducts. "I'm trying," I remind myself. I collect myself up and go back to lying on the bed. I wonder what to do with myself for the rest of the day. I'm so tired. I can't move much. Orion's still grumbling. "Orion, I need you to be good. AJ and Cherry took you to the park. I'm not well buddy." He looks at me and moves closer. "Hun. This is not our best time but I don't want you to have to be taken away from me okay?" "Orion, look at me." He rolls over and kisses my chin. "I just need your patience." "I didn't sign up for this either and I had higher hopes for you and I but we have to stay positive okay buddy? And you can't drive me nuts because it is going to take a lot for me to stay positive right now." I think about a time my friend's brother was dying. She watched back to back episodes of 24 to pass the time. I sat on the bed just to be around her so she had company. We hardly talked. I couldn't tell you a thing about that tv show because I didn't pay attention. I could care less about 24 but I figured it sucked to wait for your brother to die by yourself so I just was there. As I sit in my bed I kind of wish I had someone sitting next to me. I don't know what we'd do but just sit next to me. Pass some time. I'm half tempted to write that friend but that friendship ended in a real not good way so I'll just stay sitting here. Orion's moved on to emptying the kitchen sink. I can hear him remove the spatula from the sink. "ORION!" But truthfully, I don't have it in me to get up and get him. I think about my teacher friends and if I should call and say, "Hey, could you just pick me up and let me be around? Do whatever you'd be doing but just let me be around?" But they're new friends and that might be presumptuous. I think the adjective I'm looking for is that I'm feeling lonely and my dog happens to not be a tired snuggly one but a two and half year old smiling lab who has brought an Ensure bottle to the bed just to let me know it was NOT the spatula he was after afterall.