Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Feeling Grateful

I am driving home after a Tuesday night jam packed into the Iron Horse, listening to Andrea Gibson read her poetry. Crammed against the wall, sitting on my booster seat of a winter coat, hoping the girl three up from me will lean forward so I can see between the rails, I am still laughing as Andrea's voice reaches up to me as she recites Squash (http://youtu.be/CnSKymRPRY8)

I am thinking about my yellow dog and about being grateful in the way Andrea's Squash is grateful. I give the two dogs, (Chloe is visiting) loads of attention, hugs, snuggles when I come in the door and then switch my shoes to walk them outside.

Walking out the door, I'm still smiling, thinking how much I love my dogs and then the leash is flying out of my hand as Orion sprints down the last four stairs, and around the corner.
"DAMMIT ORION!" I yell and start to go after him. Two steps down, I remember I'm still attached to Chloe who is now on a glorified "fall" down the stairs. Torn, I make sure she's okay in the fluffy grey heap, and stick my head around the doorway to see Orion sprinting over a snowbank.
"Orion, get over here RIGHT NOW!" I yell, still looking over my shoulder at Chloe who just can't climb snowbanks at her age like I can. "ORION QUIT BEING AN ASSHOLE!"
My temper is ticking higher and higher. Breathe.
What is is you're really angry about? A voice echoes in my head.
"YOU'RE GOING TO GET HIT BY A CAR!" I yell out. I watch impatiently as the 14 year old dog pees. I frantically debate just leaving her because she can't move fast so she'll be less likely to get into trouble in the amount of time it will take me to find Orion.
It's dark. I find myself still yelling at Orion. Then I find myself crying, dropping down into frustrated despair. He sprints by and I grab his leash and drag him within an inch of my body, yelling at him.

Soon enough we're back upstairs. I make him sit and stay in the hallway while I take off my coat, my scarf, my shoes. All the while I'm lecturing him on why his behavior was selfish and why it made me so upset. Orion sat with his head partially tucked and listened.
I let him back inside, kissed his head and we all piled into bed.
Then, I just start giggling. Giggling at the whole thing. Giggling at Orion being a dog. Me being an overwhelmed human, and swearing and crying and I just can't stop giggling.
Maybe I'll start the grateful jar tomorrow.

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